A Mother's Journey
Hawaii, the land of natural beauty, healing and adventures! All of me is still in love with the Big Island of Hawaii. For 14 months, it was a most amazing lover and friend for me. During my life there, I found myself breathless at the cliff's edge, heart pounding, eyes watering, ecstatic as I watched Pele and her lava explode into the night air and flow into the ocean. The caressing of my skin by the warm ocean waters, tropical island sun, and green, black and tan beach sands and gentle pacific breezes released all my tension.The land sweetly whispered into my surrendered heart with the sounds of ocean waves, coos from the Zebra Doves, distant calls of the coqui frog, and the rustling of palm fronds in the wind. All of my senses came alive, became enlivened, heightened on the island. The sensual embrace of the gentle Kealakekua Bay, the erotic flavors of papaya and mango, the smell of roasting Kona Coffee, the sights of the colorful flowers, birds, mountains, beautiful dark skinned people, and endless blue sky and waters all intoxicated me. Two weeks after landing there, I landed a dream job, completely by magic, and totally cared for by the island.All my needs were met while I was there: great job, great friends, great community, great adventures, beautiful environment, joy and fun abounding.
Near the end of the school year in Hawaii, my daughters confided their desire to have top educational experiences and be surrounded with like-minded students and teachers. This is something that the island does not offer in abundance to the children there. My girls also shared with me their need to live closer to family: both my family and that of their father’s who lived in Oregon. I knew then that they were asking for a move back to the mainland.
The realization soon came that I was being asked to make an offering or a sacrifice for my children. Offerings and sacrifices play an important role in many cultures, including the Hawaiian culture. Both forms of giving are appropriate at different times and one is not better than the other generally speaking. It is important, however, to distinguish one from the other when deciding which path to take.
Offerings are gifts or gestures made to or for another, as a free will gift with no strings attached or expectations of return. They are generally expressions of gratitude flowing freely from the heart. It seems that some have personal judgments that this is a loftier path to pursue, however, this is not the case, it is simply a different path.
Sacrifices on the other hand are often tools of bargaining. They are gestures of exchange where something is given, surrendered or destroyed for the gain of something else in return. Usually when a sacrifice is made it is made with the hope that it will bring about a desired outcome or avoid an impending disaster.
Sometimes it is an offering that is called for in a given situation, other times it is a sacrifice. The important point is being able to distinguish between the two when making a choice. If we unconsciously walk forward, and confuse offering with sacrifice, bitterness and resentment may develop, leading to anger or depression down the line.
In the case of me deciding to move to Oregon, I had to look at what I was giving and if I wanted or needed something in return. I laugh now as I can still hear my own mother years ago saying, “I cook and clean and take care of you kids all day and this is the thanks I get?!” What my mom was really expressing was bitterness that she had made a sacrifice for us, her children, and it was mistaken for an offering. We, as kids, did not have the conscious awareness or ability to supply her with what she need in return for her sacrifices.
This situation with my mother was not what I wanted to create in Oregon with my own children. My first thought was to simply make an offering to my daughters with the move from my lover, Hawaii. Make it easy! I could simply just let go of all that I loved about the wild Hawaiian countryside, loving community and warm blue clear ocean waters. Did I really not need or want anything in return for giving up my Hawaiian lifestyle? Taking stock here I found that I did want things in return. I wanted my girls to have the education they longed for and the closeness of an extended family. For myself I wanted to experience joy and magic with the move and the new life in Oregon. Because I found that there were things that I wanted in return for a given, this ruled out making an offering.
Once this awareness was clear, I could take inventory of what I was giving up: the sacrifice. Also, what was I bargaining for: happy children and happy mama. In reality, I cannot actually make my children happy. I can do my best to create nurturing environments for them full of support, enrichment, and love but ultimately, I cannot bargain for their happiness. If I did try to sacrifice my Hawaii for their happiness, when they later had a bad day, as we all do at some point, I could potentially go into resentment. The only option here was to bargain for my own happiness instead of theirs. Looking closer, I was willing to give up all I love about living in Hawaii if I knew I could be happy in Oregon. Knowing I am the maker of my own happiness I began to explore this more.
So then the question is: What makes me happy? This list would be the trade I would expect to receive for giving up life in Hawaii. I would be the giver and receiver in this equation, not the children. In other words, I would be making the sacrifice and I would be giving back to me what I was bargaining for. In this way, a clean sacrifice is made, free of resentment and bitterness.
Being very mindful to not confuse offerings with sacrifices is key for the ability to stay generous and open in all that we give, change and become.